Does anyone even READ these anymore? Does anyone comment on my page like they used to with "I MISS YOU COME BACK!" Um, no. They don't. Because everyone seems to have a leg up on me. Everyone else is more worth spending time with, kissing up to. Everyone is more talented, smarter, funnier, more enjoyable to be around. And me? I'm just sitting here rotting as EVERYTHING piles on more and more and more each and every day.
No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. Never enough to keep anyone around, to keep things the way they used to be. I've promised people I would be there for them, but how can I do that when they've already deemed me incompetent, that I haven't done shit for them, that it's time to abandon ME? People always talk about their best friends, and I know damn well who my best friends are. Am I ever that to anyone? Am I ever just #1 to ANYONE? No. I'm not.
I now realize things are never going to get better. My life is one continous cycle, and it's always going to stay that way. I can see it happening again, too. Before long, I'll be replaced yet again by someone who's so amazing that you'd wonder why anyone ever stuck with me in the first place. But as someone once told me, they were just with me because they wanted someone, and sure enough when someone better came along, off they went. That's how I feel. Like I'm just the fill-in for people until they find that amazing person they're really looking for, be it with friendship, RPing, romance, anything. So then tell me, why the FUCK should I stick around when no one even gives a damn?
But if no one gives a damn, then I wonder, why the hell am I wasting my time even writing this journal? I'm stupid too, I guess. But I won't be anymore. This time, I'm going to push away before they get a chance to do it to me, because I know it'll happen. It always does, and frankly they'd be stupid to not take this chance and run away from me. But either way, once it happens, my heart will already have been hardened. It's just what I've come to expect.